| Condom the Trojan | |
| Fictional Character | |
| "The Boring Beast" Fantasy | |
| Type of Appearance: | Direct POV |
| Occupation: | Warrior, sailor |
Condom the Trojan was a mighty barbarian warrior. He stood six feet and a span and would have been taller yet if the gods had favored him with a forehead. He was mightily thewed with bronzed skin and heavily scarred (many self-inflicted). These were visible as he preferred to dress in only a leather kilt.
On one occasion Condom took working passage on the galley Wasteful to Zamorazamaria. He was at the helm when the ship came into the harbor. He misjudged the waves spilling his wine and causing the ship to ram a merchantman docked at the quay. While Captain Mince settled matters with the other ship's merchants, Condom and the rest of the crew roared into the dives and bordellos of the harbor district.
Condom quickly became lost in the twisting back streets but put faith in his innate barbarian instincts. He put the first man he saw in a headlock and demanded to know where the nearest grogshop was located. The man wheezed that the Lusty Widow was two doors down. Condom released the man, thanking him and swaggered down the street using his keen-honed barbarian senses to sniff out the sweet smell of beer.
Condom entered the tavern and threw himself into a chair which collapsed under his massive weight. As he picked himself up, the irate proprietress bore down on him with a bludgeon. With a rude sense of chivalry, Condom decked her with a right and demanded beer. She crawled away to fetch it. Unbeknown to Condom, these proceedings were being watched from afar by the evil sorcerer Sloth-Amok.
Literary Comment[]
Condom the Trojan is a parody of Robert E. Howard's Conan the Cimmerian.
See also[]
- Conan, Harry Turtledove's authorized reinterpretation of Howard's creation in Conan of Venarium.
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