These fictional characters appear in the short work "Notes from the General Secretariat". The story has long-running Analog character Kelvin R. Throop responding to various people under the guise of "Beals Becker" of the office of the general secretariat of the United Nations. Given the structure of the work, fictional characters have been placed on a single page. These people are identified by the salutation beginning "Becker's" response.
Historical figures who can be identified from context clues have been given their own individual pages.
100% American[]
"Beals Becker" sarcastically agreed with 100% American that the United States should leave the U.N., wondering what the remaining 94% of the human population had done for the U.S. Becker announced his plan to leave the U.N. once his Toyota was paid off.
Becker's valediction was "Patriotically, Beals Becker."[1]
FLATUS[]
The Ferocious League Against Those Using Sarsaparilla (FLATUS) threatened to destroy the world's entire sarsaparilla crop unless the U.N. paid a ransom of $800,000,000.00. In his reply, "Beals Becker" found the demand "astonishingly reasonable". He promised that the money would be airdropped to a location in Belize. In response to their demand that the money be paid in small bills, Becker claimed that they would be paid in nickels, and asked that the groups give their exact location so the U.N. could drop the nickels on them.
Becker's valediction was "Yours from above, Beals Becker."[2]
Literary Comment[]
"Flatus" refers to the "gas in or from the stomach or intestines, produced by swallowing air or by bacterial fermentation," which is expelled through flatulence, or more simply, "farts".
Dr. Heppelwhite[]
"Beals Becker" began his letter to Dr. Heppelwhite explaining he needed a dictionary and a grammar to understand what the doctor was proposing. Becker finally realized Heppelwhite wanted to help people in developing countries learn to read and write. However, Becker found the language Heppelwhite used in his proposal unnecessarily dense and verbose, and concluded that Heppelwhite did not have the skills to teach anyone.
Becker's valediction was "Clearly, Beals Becker."[3]
Herr Jäger[]
One Herr Jäger complained that the contemporary borders that led to West Germany and East Germany were not the result of any formal treaty. "Beals Becker" agreed, but pointed out that he doubted representatives from either Germany would object, as they remembered against whom the nations united in the first place.
Becker's valediction was "Nie wieder! Beals Becker."[4]
Karamat[]
In his response to Minister Karamat, "Beals Becker" claimed he'd consulted with the Secretary-General and confirmed that the Secretary-General had received Karamat's requests for food and other relief for his country from the past three weeks. The Secretary-General delegated the response to Becker, who reminded Karamat that his country was slightly smaller than Wisconsin, had nearly 100 million people, and was still growing. Becker suggested that the country import parcheesi sets, backgammon gear, and Doris Day movies as alternatives to the people's preferred source of amusement. Beck reminded Karamat that the country had recently spent money on MiGs.
Becker's valediction was "Hungrily, Beals Becker".[5]
Professor Kroonstad[]
In his response to Professor Kroonstad of South Africa, "Beals Becker" disputed Kroonstad's proposal that South Africa deserved special status in the U.N. simply because humans developed in what is now South Africa. Further, the Apartheid regime convinced Becker that very little evolution had taken place in the area for some time. Becker concluded by pointing out that the original humans were almost certainly black.
Becker's valediction was "Primevally, Beals Becker".[6]
Ms. Lefebvre[]
In his response to Ms. Lefebvre, "Beals Becker" assured her that he'd referred her plan to make the U.N. in a world governing body with real power to stop war to his supervisor. Both Becker and his supervisor laughed, and suggested that Ms. Lefebvre try again in a couple of centuries.
Becker's valediction was "Wistfully, Beals Becker."[7]
Professor Nagas[]
In his response to Professor Nagas, Becker regretted that the U.N. could not financially support the professor's search for extraterrestrial intelligence. Becker also noted that terrestrial intelligence was in short supply, and searching needed to be closer to home.
Becker's valediction was "Sympathetically, Beals Becker."[8]
Literary comment[]
This character is based on Carl Sagan.
Physique Works Gym Chain[]
"Beals Becker" sent a letter to the Physique Works Gym Chain confirming that he was interested in building the body he'd always wanted. He asked that they send the kit they used to build the most recent Miss November.
His valediction was "Eagerly, Beals Becker."[9]
Pragmatist[]
Someone who called themselves "Pragmatist" wrote to the U.N. about using euthanasia to control human populations. Beals Becker asked Pragmatist if they were volunteering.
Becker's valediction was "Hopefully, Beals Becker".[10]
Señor[]
In response to a Marxist Cuban señor who asserted that the United States has always been at the forefront of imperialism and aggression, Becker initially responded sarcastically, noting (incorrectly) that Cuba became a U.S. state after the Spanish-American War. Becker then went on into a more accurate vein, reminding the unnamed señor that during its war with Spain, the U.S. explicitly did not seek to annex Cuba, deliberately established Cuba as a functioning country, helped develop infrastructure, and even wiped out yellow fever.
Becker's valediction was "Dialectically Yours."[11]
Serge[]
In his response to the representative of the Republic of Vanuatu, expressing surprise that such a country existed. He further lamented that he now owed someone named Serge twenty dollars, and that he would be eating peanut butter until payday.
Consequently, Becker's valediction was "Disappointedly, Beals Becker".[12]
References[]
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